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I know this will sound stupid and will sound like just another girl confused and brain washed and everything…but I’m actually serious.
I have gone out with the real yeshivish guys, and that’s what I have been looking for and what I truly truly want. I have gotten serious with a few guys, and they ended for different reasons, one being a medical issue we found out about in the course of dating, and another was the guy chickening out and saying he’s not ready to get married.
I want someone who will learn, become a kli kodesh potentially, someone who goes into Chinuch, etc.
BUT… here’s the catch… there is a guy I have known my whole life. Pre-sem me always thought I would marry him. I never did anything wrong with him, just when our families would get together for yom tov and the likes we would shmuz and i saw we got along really well, enjoyed each other’s company, and agree on a lot.
But he isn’t what I’m looking for. He’s working, he’s a great guy but I don’t know how much he still learns. He would watch a movie here and there. Etc.
This is not a thread about whether working vs kollel is okay.
But I want to know what to do now…after a year and a half of being in the Parsha and dating the guys I’m looking for, things reconnected with this guy, as he came for a shabbos recently and we had a lot of time to get back to shmuzzing. And then things get worse, I set him up with a friend and that got us back in touch between references and technicalities and a whirl wind of all of that.
And now, they broke up and he is really sad…but the thought of course starts creeping up to me…maybe we should give it a try?
Maybe the hashkafic differences are not as drastic as I think…maybe it would be good?
I’m not making a decision off of anonymous advice from online, but just want to hear other people’s perspectives, maybe someone went through something similar?
First of all, it is good that you realize that such decisions cannot be left to heart/emotions alone, but are also using your logic.
Don’t know the right answer, if there is one, but here are some questions for you to think about:
Are you expecting him to change to be more like your vision of what you want to marry?
Would you be disappointed/frustrated if he doesn’t?
Does he feel the same way you do- sounds like he liked the girl you set him up with, is he even thinking in the same direction that you are? Having a friendship with a girl he grew up with may not mean anything to him.
Lots of girls date for years, and in the end marry someone they were not looking for, who didn’t have what they wanted but had everything they (didn’t realize that they) needed. Maybe this is such a case, but you have to honestly answer the above questions first. Others do marry the type they wanted, but then life circumstances change, and the plans/goals change accordingly, and they end up living very differently from what they had wanted. In your situation, you had least would not face such a surprise.
Hatzlacha!
Doesn’t sound like a good idea. If he’s not what you’re looking for, there’s nothing else to talk about.
“Maybe he’s my bashert” is not a reason to go out with someone.
And why isnt he looking for you?
YH -“But he isn’t what I’m looking for. He’s working, he’s a great guy but I don’t know how much he still learns. He would watch a movie here and there. Etc.”
And why isn’t he what you’re looking for?!?
This whole world that working guys aren’t good enough is just a sign of the times!
Once upon a time, no girl wanted a learning guy.
I wanted to sit and learn – not because it’s the PC.
But there are plenty that only do it because it’s the PC!
Too many questions here:
Is he interested in that way?
What’s his current involvement in learning?
What is his overall hashkafa in terms of lifestyle he wants to live (minyan, schools he would want to send his kids to, how he would want to raise them, etc.)?
These things can seem less crucial when you are just dating, but once married they can make a world of difference, if important to you. You have to trust and respect him religiously.
I think you need to ask more questions before seriously considering if he has potential or not.
There are so many ways to answer this.
One thing is why are you considering him? What state of mind? To me, it sounds like it’s out of desperation and he’s convenient.
If so, are you approaching one of the biggest decisions of your life from a healthy perspective?
Do you have the same goals? Same vision for the future? Would you be compromising your needs for the sake of getting married? Are you attracted to him as a person?
Have you talked about this to a third-party that isn’t invested in having you get married, and/or is more invested in you making a decision that is in your best interest?
First of all, it is good that you realize that such decisions cannot be left to heart/emotions alone, but are also using your logic.
Don’t know the right answer, if there is one, but here are some questions for you to think about:
Are you expecting him to change to be more like your vision of what you want to marry?
Would you be disappointed/frustrated if he doesn’t?
Does he feel the same way you do- sounds like he liked the girl you set him up with, is he even thinking in the same direction that you are? Having a friendship with a girl he grew up with may not mean anything to him.
Lots of girls date for years, and in the end marry someone they were not looking for, who didn’t have what they wanted but had everything they (didn’t realize that they) needed. Maybe this is such a case, but you have to honestly answer the above questions first. Others do marry the type they wanted, but then life circumstances change, and the plans/goals change accordingly, and they end up living very differently from what they had wanted. In your situation, you had least would not face such a surprise.
Hatzlacha!
Doesn’t sound like a good idea. If he’s not what you’re looking for, there’s nothing else to talk about.
“Maybe he’s my bashert” is not a reason to go out with someone.
And why isnt he looking for you?
YH -“But he isn’t what I’m looking for. He’s working, he’s a great guy but I don’t know how much he still learns. He would watch a movie here and there. Etc.”
And why isn’t he what you’re looking for?!?
This whole world that working guys aren’t good enough is just a sign of the times!
Once upon a time, no girl wanted a learning guy.
I wanted to sit and learn – not because it’s the PC.
But there are plenty that only do it because it’s the PC!
Too many questions here:
Is he interested in that way?
What’s his current involvement in learning?
What is his overall hashkafa in terms of lifestyle he wants to live (minyan, schools he would want to send his kids to, how he would want to raise them, etc.)?
These things can seem less crucial when you are just dating, but once married they can make a world of difference, if important to you. You have to trust and respect him religiously.
I think you need to ask more questions before seriously considering if he has potential or not.
There are so many ways to answer this.
One thing is why are you considering him? What state of mind? To me, it sounds like it’s out of desperation and he’s convenient.
If so, are you approaching one of the biggest decisions of your life from a healthy perspective?
Do you have the same goals? Same vision for the future? Would you be compromising your needs for the sake of getting married? Are you attracted to him as a person?
Have you talked about this to a third-party that isn’t invested in having you get married, and/or is more invested in you making a decision that is in your best interest?
I think this entire story is being blown entirely out of proportion. I personally know of many people who had a detailed list of what they were looking for, only to realize that paper does not always transition well into the reality. If you think this may be an option, treat him like any other shidduch. Do some research, answer the basic questions you have, and then go out on a date. You’re not required to marry him after a date, and most of the important questions you have can only be answered by him, not through research.
** If you are worried about being blinded by infatuation, then write down your “red lines” before you date him, and make sure they check out before letting it get too far**
Have some faith in God people…
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