I once wound up in court after a cop gave me THREE moving violations on one corner. There were multiple lights at a major intersection (like 5 lights). It was very confusing. When four of them turned green, I pulled forward to turn, not realizing there was a separate turning light. He was on my tail in a matter of seconds. I don’t even make illegal u-turns so it infuriated me. I hired a lawyer and got off only one of the three tickets. Most of the “defendants” in that court were got their tickets from him. It bothered me for a while too, and definitely made me look at cops differently.
After I lost a sibling VERY young – my whole life, family, personality, bitachon changed. I used to think Hash-em would somehow always save a good person. Sadly, I know now, that G-d doesn’t always come to the rescue of a person in the way that we would want. I kind of lost that glow for living. Add that to my current tragedy (an abusive spouse) and I’m finished. I just try to keep breathing, shift my focus off my tragedies as much as possible, and keep working on myself to improve my life, because I AM alive. I’ve got to make the best life for myself as I can, since I’ve got to live it. One thing that brings me down is comparing my life to others (they have more kids, a house, a loving husband, a frummer husband, money, and the list goes on. And that doesn’t even include the comparisons to my old self. The one who got set up with over 200 shidduchim, and had sooo many (possibly) amazing choices for a spouse, and I chose THIS one?!?! So be it! What can I do? Beat myself up? I’m good at that, and so is my husband. Now I’ve got to get good at nurturing and forgiving myself.