BP-
I’m actually tired, and would prefer just to write smug sarcastic remarks. But instead I’m going to have to write something intelligent. On your chesbon!!!
If he’s doing zilch, of course the natural balance of a home is messed up.
If he’s an intelligent Ben torah learning 10-12 hours a day, friday, shabbos and motzeh shabbos – zman and ben hazmanim has clear goals and clear accomplishments, is respected by Rebbeim and peers alike – and does his share around the house and more, and is there for his wife when she needs him (and when she doesn’t) – then even if she is the primary earner, he is the point and goal of the household. And the leader. Even if he has bad days, or discouragement. He doesn’t have to be perfect. But he needs to work -either in the office or in the beis medrash.
A guy who’s not “just learning” without review, or goals , something different every zman – but a guy who’s working to finish shas, or nashim nezikin b’iyun or yorah yorah /yadin yadin – or all of the above (Ashrey Ayin rasa zos…).
And for such a Ben torah, a Masgiach over him would be destructive. A supportive wife will make a comfortable place where he can lick his wounds and get back him gitgo again.
If he is a person that works on his himself, and tries to move forward, and leads their home forward – then he will have earned her respect and toil, and will be the man of the house.
If he’s a lazy bum, then yeah, that’s kind of sad, and everything you write is true; I’m trying to point out that merely because he is in Kollel doesn’t mean he can’t be the koach in the home. A unambitious potwasher married to a lawyer would be in the same boat.
Both should should start color coordinating their tights.